I couldn’t have stopped crying even if I had wanted to. I don’t remember now why I was crying, but I remember the look on my father’s face as he begged me to stop. “What am I going to do with you? All the neighbors are going to think you’ve gone crazy!” It was summer and the windows were open. And I was experiencing heartbreak like only a four-year-old can.
Forty years later, what has stayed with me is the deeply jarring alienation brought on by my father’s inability to cope with, let alone understand, my emotional experience. He just wanted it to stop. How could my father, who I adored beyond words, plead with me not to express an experience that clearly needed his comforting and attention? Shame and confusion were layered over whatever the original hurt may have been. If my father complained that I no longer told him anything when I was a teen, he was reaping seeds he planted when I was very small and needed him to listen.
Connecting with children when they express their emotional experience supports the essential elements of the parent-child relationship. A parent like my father, who begs their child to stop feeling their feelings, at the very least misses a wonderful opportunity for connection, attunement and emotional closeness that could have been used to strengthen the parent child bond for life. Not that it’s always easy to connect with children in these moments. Setting aside your agenda and stopping to warmly devote your attention to a child screaming their way through the grocery store is farther than most parents would want to take this model. But building acceptance into a connected relationship wherever possible has clear, measureable benefits.
The Education Training Research Associates, (ETR) with funding from the Annie E. Casey Foundation, conducted a literature review on the effects of parents developing a secure connection with their children early in life. Their paper, Parent-Child Connectedness: Implications for Research, Interventions, and Positive Impacts on Adolescent Health, 2004 provides an excellent guide for understanding the true impact a strong parent child connection can have on children.
ETR uses the term Parent Child Connectedness, or PCC, to expand the idea of attachment. They define PCC as, “seeing the interaction between parents and children not just as individuals but as part of an on-going, dynamic relationship” (ETR, 2004; p. 5). The parent-child connection endures beyond the early infant years, and is sustained in different ways throughout the life of the child.
ETR’s review of over 600 research studies concludes that Parent Child Connectedness is the “super-protective factor” against negative outcomes in adolescence. Having a close, connected relationship with a caring adult, an adult who listens to the child’s feelings, is the single strongest indicator that an adolescent will reach adulthood without experiencing teen pregnancy or violence, without becoming addicted to drugs or tobacco, and without dropping out of high school. Fostering this kind of relationship with our own children takes us beyond emotional intelligence, into a space where the emotion we each experience is accepted, experienced and processed.
While Emotional Intelligence is a wonderful place to start, the key for me has been remembering that experiencing intense emotion takes neurobiological precedence over thinking about that emotion. In other words, it’s hard to think and feel at the same time.
Dan Siegel’s work, The Developing Mind, explains the details of this process, but as a non-neurobiologist I imagine the available energy or attention moving through the three main parts of the brain. The brainstem makes sure you’re breathing, your heart is beating and the salts in your blood are balanced – it keeps your body alive first. Then the limbic system, the seat of emotional response, gets the energy next. If feelings have been triggered, they can highjack us until we are able to process them. This expression of emotion is a normal, universal human response to emotional stress. It’s as natural as the impulse to swear when you hit your thumb with the hammer. The higher cognitive functions are the last to receive the mind’s attention. Just the same way that you can’t balance your checkbook if you can’t breathe, you also can’t balance your checkbook when you are overwhelmed by strong emotions.
Children can’t talk to you about their emotions and feel their emotions fully at the same time. And they can’t fully process their emotions in isolation. The human mind is built to work in connection with other human minds. What I needed at four is the same thing kids of all ages need, a caring adult with whom they can share the full range of their experience without fear of rejection, shaming or condemnation.
Here’s Patty Wipfler’s explanation of the process from her booklet on Crying:
We are so accustomed to seeing the world only from our own vantage point. If we don’t feel sad, no one else should, either. But children’s feelings are like their own personal weather system, which is affected by forces often unseen by you.
To tell your child he should feel happy when he is sad is roughly as effective as telling a rainstorm to go away. Phrases like “I’m sorry you feel so sad” or “I’ll stay right here with you while it’s hard” give your child permission to address and work through bad feelings. Phrases like “It’s only a torn paper. Quit acting like such a baby!” only shame a child. They work against your goal of helping your child rebuild his sense of well-being.
As you listen, you are not necessarily condoning your child’s feelings, nor are you spoiling him. You are helping him recover. Children cry only when they are too upset to think. Feelings of upset can overpower a child and drive him to do things that don’t make sense. As you listen, you drain the power these feelings have over your child. His own good judgment will return once you’ve listened thoroughly.
What have you learned about the best ways to be present with your children’s strong emotions? Please share what works for you to build parent-child connectedness in the Comments.
Join Juli for an online class on the Science of Parenting in January.
All the way home from the hospital I was sure my baby daughter’s head would wobble straight off her pudgy neck and I would find it bouncing around the back of the car. I was in shock that they had let me leave the hospital with this tiny, helpless creature. Already thirty-five when my daughter was born, I had been looking forward to parenthood for many years. I had worked with children. I had watched carefully as my friends and relatives sailed into family life. And I had read all the ‘right’ books about child development and what to expect. In other words, I was as clueless and unprepared for the reality of life with an infant as your average parent.
My daughter just needed me to love her, right? And pay attention to her, and feed her, (How hard could breastfeeding be?) and take care of her, and get us both back and forth to the pediatrician’s office, and get dinner made, and find time to do the laundry, and wash us both now and then, and remember to make the mortgage payment and make sure her car seat straps were properly adjusted and tend to her developmental milestones and start saving for college and…
Sleep deprived, begrudgingly recovering from the 100+ stitches of an unwanted C-section and terrified that I was doing a ‘bad job’ because my new ‘boss’ cried even when I thought I was parenting by the book, I gradually became fearful I was coming unhinged. I probably looked slightly milk-stained but otherwise fine on the outside. I went to playgroup and Gymboree and baby music lessons. I showered and brushed my hair and dressed my daughter in matching Baby Gap outfits. I compared growth chart percentages and teething tales with other moms in the park. Yet, at odd moments, I found myself irrationally furious over bits of my own childhood I hadn’t considered in decades. Why was I plagued by thoughts of my less-than-ideal childhood when I should have been enjoying my daughter’s happy one?
On a fundamental level, deep in the folds of our brain, we learn to parent as we are being parented. The parts of your memory that were intimately engaged in those early peek-a-boo experiences with your parents are actually stimulated in your adult brain as you peek at your own bright-eyed infant. Dr. Lewis et al explains this process beautifully in A General Theory of Love. As you build those essential and hopefully warm and loving connections with your baby, you also get a chance to revisit how that experience felt for you a generation ago. If it felt basically good and your parents were well resourced, relaxed and happy to have you joining the clan, your attachment process with your own child is an easier one. If you were a preemie born to a frightened couple in a war-torn part of the world, you might feel a lot more stress as you are trying to enjoy your new family member.
No childhood is perfect. Nor does any child require one that is. But in order for the attachments to develop smoothly in a new family, there is one key element that predicts relative success—the parent’s understanding of their own relationship history, especially the relationships of their childhood. Using a process called the Adult Attachment Interview, researchers have demonstrated that parents who were born into less than ideal circumstances don’t necessarily have trouble building good relationships with their own children, as long as they have come to terms with their own formative relationships. When a parent is able to relate what researchers call a “coherent narrative” of their early life experience, it’s possible to predict that their own children will form normal, healthy attachments in relationship to them. No matter how imperfect their past may have been.
So, there it was. As Patty Wipfler says in her much-loved Listening to Children, “We discover that loving and nourishing a child is complex work that challenges the hardiest grownups.” My early relationship with my daughter was challenging not because anything was wrong with either of us, but simply because I had yet to make peace with my own early experiences.
Dr. Dan Siegel talks about his experience at this same impasse with his young son in his moving and thoughtful book Parenting from the Inside Out. It was hard enough for me as a new parent just to get out the door in the morning wearing matching socks and minimal rice cereal stains. The last thing I had time for was navel-gazing contemplation of the emotional impact of my grandmother ruining the pin-the-tale-on-the-donkey game at my 4th birthday party. Luckily for me, there were people around me who knew how to really listen. Not the usual conversational sandwich-building “Oh that happened to my cousin Eleanor too!” back and forth kind of listening. But the “I am really here with you. I won’t interrupt or advise. Go ahead and let me know how your experience feels,” kind of listening. And the more they listened, the more I healed.
The focused attention of another caring human being is what allows each of us to bring out the things in our emotional experience we haven’t really made sense of yet and repackage them into something more digestible, something easier to live with. It’s not a nice, neat, logical, thinking process. It’s a messy laughing, crying, trembling maze of emotions waiting to tumble out into shared emotional space. But the more I was able to soak in this sort of gentle attention, the easier it was for me to relax and be available to my daughter and her in-the-moment emotional experience. That feeling of hanging on by my fingernails receded. Slowly I was able to take a deep breath and laugh and play and connect.
For more insight into how this narrative sharing process actually works to rewire the brain, listen to the inspiring conversation between Dr. Daniel Siegel and Dr. Daniel Goleman called Better Parents, Better Spouses, Better People. Or for brief, practical instruction on the practice, read Listening Partnerships for Parents from Hand in Hand.
Juli will be teaching an online class on the Science of Parenting in January.
This post originally appeared in the Huffington Post.
Connection is essential to raise healthy, capable, successful children. But don’t take my word for it. There is lots of fascinating science on the subject that makes surprisingly good reading.
For example, Dr. Daniel Siegel of the UCLA School of Medicine, said in a 2001 article, “the infant is born into the world genetically programmed to connect with caregivers who will become ‘attachment figures’ in the child’s life”. According to Siegel’s research, children who experience a strong attachment early in life do better as they grow up. “Longitudinal studies have found that securely attached children appear to have a number of positive outcomes in their development. These include enhanced emotional flexibility, social functioning and cognitive abilities.”
Lawrence J. Cohen, PH.D. and author of Playful Parenting uses the simple metaphor of a cup. A child who feels empty inside because of having a frustrating day, goes to their attachment figure to fill up.
Dorothy Corkille Briggs, in Your Child’s Self-Esteem, explains that “every child needs periodic genuine encounters with his parents. A genuine encounter is simply focused attention. It is attention with a special intensity born of direct, personal involvement. Vital contact means being intimately open to the particular, unique qualities of your child” (1975, p. 64).
And it’s not just an emotional need. Connecting with adults who love them is an essential factor in the physical development of children’s brains. The growth of the brain is dependent on experiencing a relationship with a caring adult. “Relationships that are ‘connecting’ and allow for collaboration appear to offer children a wealth of interpersonal closeness that supports the development of many domains, including social, emotional, and cognitive functioning” (Siegel, 2001; p. 78).
Developing a close connection with a child doesn’t just encourage the child to develop skills but actually programs the brain to use what it learns well. Siegel, in further research, tells us, “In fact, experience shapes brain structure. How we treat our children changes who they are and how they develop. Their brains need parental involvement. Nature needs nurture.” (Siegel, 2004; p. 34).
No pressure, folks, but that game of peek-a-boo you just played built new neural connections in your baby’s brain. The deep breath you took before yelling at the teenager who’s pushing all your buttons just allowed them a moment to practice regulating their own emotional states. What you do to promote connection, even the very small things, matters.
The Education Training Research Associates, (ETR) with funding from the Annie E. Casey Foundation, conducted a literature review on the effects of parents developing a secure connection with their children early in life. Their resulting paper provides an excellent guide for understanding the true impact a strong parent child connection can have on children.
ETR’s review of over 600 research studies concludes that Parent Child Connectedness is the “super-protective factor” against adverse outcomes in adolescence. PCC is the single strongest indicator that an adolescent will reach adulthood without experiencing teen pregnancy or violence, without becoming addicted to drugs or tobacco, and without dropping out of high school.
I know that a strong and secure connection between you and the children you love is essential for all of you to flourish. And being a parent myself, I know it isn’t always easy. That’s why I’m here to help.
This article was first published on the Hand in Hand Parenting website.